eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
