my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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