Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
