He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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