Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
