every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
