I wish my penis had an off switch
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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