I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
