omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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