We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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