Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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