the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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