I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
