I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You need Xanax blowdarts
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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