Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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