I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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