So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
