okay pat passed out under dana's car
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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