I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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