even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
