I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
