I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
