I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
