I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
