take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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