Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
