I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
