oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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