Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
