A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
