I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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