Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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