Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
