Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
