So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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