I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Randomize
