she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
