I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
