gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
