turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
