Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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