I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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