i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
