My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
