You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
