just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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