dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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