Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
