i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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