I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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